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Suka Pelangi Saya?

Terakhir dari Bumi Permaisuri

Assalamu'alaikum wbt...

Typing this entry at late evening while listening to a song title Maha Mendengar by my good friend : Halim (macam bodek siket, but I don't think he will read this cause he rarely read mine :P. I know him well.haha. Alamak, macam fitnah pulak but 98% it is true). Ok, what I want to share is something rarely I share to others. Might be nothing to readers, but meaningful to me.

Staring at the title, I think this is so drama kan? *nodding my head as well*. I will try to update one more post before I fly back to Malaysia but with ALLAH's will okay :). Ni pun dah lama tak kemas kini, germs and bacteria malas bersarang dalam badan ni or can I have a bottle of spray to get rid of it? Daydreaming lah :p. Wait a minute, I haven't telling my actual date kan? Well, hmph its on September 9th at 12.30 pm and inshaALLAH  ETA in KLIA on the next day at 1pm. Wanna roll out the red carpet and welcome me? Daydreaming, still.... sigh!

A few years back....

I went through a very tough life ; jumped into Physio student while my determination was to be a lawyer at first choice after SPM with only 6a's result and refused to enter matriculation (served me right la kan). But somehow I realized I am not suit to be a lawyer and seriously unplanned as a Physio student and living with full of stressed during hospital life changed my life a bit by bit. Being with friends who are always reminding me to ALLAH and friends who are simply can back stabbing me. But alhamdulillah, I managed to survive with all helped by HIM.

On my graduation in 2009
Right after grad, I got an offered to further my study in India (balik nanti dapat title Dr, but itu yang ALLAH tak izinkan tu. Niat salah, T___T) and at the same time abah was in ill (fracture of humerus and drags to discover he had tumor). And I know that wasn't the right time to make a good decision although I am strongly wanted to continue my study and till now my aim, my dream and my passion is to be a specialist. I learnt that family matters are much more important than my big dream, took care of abah (Physio him), accompanied Mak (she is really strong and patient. Indeed, I am adored her so much in every ways she has done in our family). *tears*
On and off ICU with 2 major surgery within 2 weeks
I wish I could be a pious wife as her
I feel I've lost all the strength, being shot by thunders and storm repeatedly. My days was with heavy rains, I waited for a beautiful rainbows but pathetically none! No one could understand, how suffer my life was. People always seeing me as a strong person but the reality is i am not that strong, seriously I am not :(. Internal dilemma, unemployed, feeling of useless person! I kept blamed myself :((. Astaghfirullah, forgive me Ya ALLAH T___T.

Diary of April 2010...
Alhamdulillah, last Friday ( April 2nd) my dad has been transferred from ICU to ward Zone 2 [A376 : duet ward] but then on next day, nurses changed him to room A353 [personal room, psssst like a 5star hotel :D]. Alhamdulillah, after almost 2weeks in a stage of 'suffer' Allah gives some present to him, to my mum and to us! Allamdulillah, praise to HIM.
Ok, i just want to update about my dad's report.

Clinical History : Huge medialstenial mass....
Diagnosis : Benign, spindle cell epithelial thymoma.

Macroscopic description [specimen designated ------> mediastinal mass].
= specimen consists of a relatively well encapsulated nodular mass weighing 488g. Serial sections show a mostly solid tumour with lobulated soft whitish surface and showing central areas of haemorrhagic cystic degenaration. No significant calcification seen. No other organ structure seen. Representative sections were submitted into 5 blocks with the capsule included.

Microscopic description
= representative sections show a well, encapsulated lesion of thymic tissue, made predominantly of spindle shaped cells, arraged in fascicles, wavy pattern and irregular crisscross arrangement, along with focal areas showing round to oval plump epithelial cells with indistinct cytoplasmic margins, vesicular nuclei and fine chromatin clumping. Mitotic figures are minimal. Blood vessels within appear congested. Focal areas of cystic change are also noticed. The capsule appears fibrotic and thickened in many areas. Lymphocyte population is sparse and significantly seen towards the periphery. No nuclear atypia or necrosis is discernable.
Conclusion : No malignancy noted. * Bernatz classification and can be designated as type " A " thymoma.
Encapsulated thymoma.
Cut surface of an encapsulated thymoma demonstrates a pale tan, bulging, and irregularly lobulated surface.
Fibrous septae which subdivide the tumor substance are contiguous with the capsule.
[this is not my from my dad, but similar ]
Truly, I am tired of being me but in fast ALLAH cures me with HIS warmth 'notes' : ALLAH does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear (2:286). Trial and tribulations are a part of life, I hate them and I do not like to go through them but eventually I do accept and manage to handle it with ALLAH's will in forcing ways I guess (hmmm). Refers in psychology, human being go through 5 stages of emotion when struck with calamity (denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance). The final stage which is acceptance will actually tells you what kind of person you are : grateful or ungrateful. I keep reminding myself who is always falling down easily ; being alone is one of the way ALLAH wants me to keep remembrance HIM, I need HIM and only HIM.

End of 2010....

I decided to fly to UK and at first I just wanna to take a long holidays, to free from thinking of my big dream (bukan merajuk and sorry for hidden everything from most of friends and simple answer when friends asked me 'what I am doing here?' = bawa diri). I flew to England with heartless and yet I just happy here but just becoming a passive person, not so talk-active. I prefer to do my job and the rest, being alone in my room. Sometimes jaulah, to get close to HIM plus to improve myself (I don't know if I've changed). I am sorry from top of my head and tip of toe for everything undone here :((.
And now, 2012 I am going back to Malaysia with still heartless feelings but life must go on. Chase excellence and inshaALLAH success will follow. Azam 2012 must be achieved! Jauh mana pun kita lari, hakikatnya masalah itu masih berlegar berhampiran kita. Usaha, berdu'a dan serahkan pada ALLAH. DIA Maha Kaya dengan bantuan yang tak sangka-sangka.

*inhale and exhale...

Take a deep breath and ponder this ayat : Do people think that they will be left alone because they say : "We believe, and will not be tested?" (29:2). And again ALLAH tells us that through this journey we call life we will be tested in surah Al-Baqarah : An certainly, we shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits....(2:155)

How to cope with the pain? Patience, du'a, acceptance. Hardly to do right? The more hardest to do the more you are trying to deny ALLAH's plans to you. Astaghfirullah, may ALLAH forgive me and us. Something that ALLAH has planned and which HE has guaranteed me can handle it. So, hammer and stapler this on head and mind 'Nothing shall ever happen to us except what ALLAH has ordained for us'. (9:51). ALLAH mus'taan....

Inhale and exhale....

Oh ALLAH, accept my du'as! Make me more stronger, more grateful caliph and forgive me for being weak, being afraid and being someone whom I am not suppose to be :((.
Orang kata , semakin banyak kau beriman..''Kau akan diuji terus bertubi-tubi..''
Orang kata , semakin banyak kau berbuat baik..''Kau akan terus berdepan dengan masalah..''
Ini semua benar, menjadi org yg baik bukan senang. Sebab itu, ia terus diuji supaya menjadi baik..

'Setitik dakwat mampu membuatkan sejuta manusia berfikir tentangnya'.

"BUKAN SAJA-SAJA ALLAH meletakkanmu dalam BIDANG itu..
BUKAN SAJA-SAJA ALLAH memberikan UJIAN sebegitu..
BUKAN SAJA-SAJA ALLAH membiarkanmu mengemudi dalam KEADAAN sebegitu..
MELAINKAN ALLAH tahu kamu akan memberikan sesuatu dalam bidang itu..
MELAINKAN ALLAH tahu kamu bakal membiakkan ilmu-ilmu itu..
MELAINKAN ALLAH akan temukan kamu dengan insan-insan ikhlas membantu..
MELAINKAN ALLAH mahu menguatkanmu..
MELAINKAN ALLAH mahu kamu tahu betapa tingginya kasih sayangNYA padamu. "

Oklah, nak balik tak boleh nak sedih-sedih, sekadar kongsi cerita sedikit dan mohon pembaca semua janganlah contohi dan ada perasaan mahu jadi seperti saya. Sungguh, saya sangat lemah (shaaytan sukalah tu gayut dalam badan ni, nauzubillah T____T).
I learnt a lot here, ALLAH hantar ke Bumi Permaisuri ini untuk beri keindahan pelangi yang sangat cantik. Perbaiki diri yang rompong sini sana, biarpun tiada siapa yang mengerti tetapi ALLAH tahu apa yang di hati.

Moga kejayaan dan kebahagiaan itu milikku...
Doakan saya
JH : NZ for next? With ALLAH's will....  Keep du'a! Du'a and du'a. For those who are always praying a good things to me, may ALLAH bless and grant HIS Jannah. Ameen.

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Dr.F said...

Adik, benar ayat-ayat ALLAH. Dia takkan menduga melebihi apa yang tak mampu. Selama mengenali dirimu, sabar dan tabah adalah teman baikmu. Teruskan bersahabat dengan mereka. Allah menyayangimu, ada kebahagiaan yang sangat manis untukmu.
Jangan lupa ziarah saya nanti, sentiasa menanti di hospital ni.
Mendoakan agar dirimu dikurniakan suami yang menghargai dan menjagamu sebaik mungkin.
(An-Nur : 26).

Sherrin said...

I am not crying but I lied.
Siti sayang, I knew you well. Very well.
Your smiling face hidden 1001 secrets. Looking forward to see you. Welcome back, strive for your dreams!. I know you can as always you did...

Ana said...


Fazlinil Irma said...

akak bentang carpet merah kat ruang tamu pv12 yaaa..!!

jemput dtg rumah lg... :)